Cake

SANTA FE — New Mexico is taking its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state...

The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

"Hey there, big guy. Having a few drinks?" a female voice says a few seconds after an approaching male sets off a motion sensor in the device. "It's time to call a cab or ask a sober friend for a ride home."

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Not to diminish the undeniable power of talking urinal cakes as an aversion to binge drinking, but if I were in a bar and a urinal cake hit on me in a woman's voice, I'd start drinking more.

Heteronormativity aside, there is a market for this. Not being part of the greater watersports community, I may be talking out of my ass here, but it seems like they suffer a lack of accessories. Sure, you have your rubber mats, your tarpaulins, your water pills, but most of the equipment is built-in. Plus, it's pretty partner-dependent. I mean, if you're alone, you can't just pee on the dog.

Well, you can, but the dog probably won't like you anymore.

Talking urinal cakes though, would be THE "it" accessory for watersports aficionados. Finally, in the privacy of their own home, they could simply unzip, let fly, and receive a satisfactory retort without the added mess of finding a partner. Plus, it avoids the awkward, "Oh.... GOD! I thought you meant we'd be innertubing!" situation.

No one likes that.

And what about annoyingly silent partners? Not with talking urinal cakes! In addition to the obligatory "ohhh... yeahhhhhh..." and "ahhhglglglglglggggl," there could be a variety of phrases, such as:

"Not in the eyes!"

"In the eyes!"

"It's Miller time!" (to which the proper response would be, "no, it's [your name here] time!")

If that's not their bag, no problem! They can buy the deluxe model with which users can record their own erotic phrases.

Plus, think of the fun terminology. Folks could while away their lonely Sunday afternoons "caking," and then go chat on the internet with other "cakers," perhaps "caking" at the same time. Adventurous "cakers" could "camcake" with folks from around the world!

Plus, the talking urinal cake can't expose your shame when you're running for public office, or trying to get that big promotion. Indeed, your anonymity is guaranteed with these babies. It wouldn't even seem weird for them to arrive at your home in an unmarked, brown paper package.

Trust me, if I knew how to construct recordable talking urinal cakes, I'd be making millions right now. It'd be like Fight Club, but without the fighting and scavenged human fat.
Awesome.